Bullying: An Endless Cycle

Bullying is one the issues that has always been rampant in the society, especially now that everything is online. For me this is something that should be taken into action rather than be just plainly talked about.

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Let me tell you my own share of experience on bullying. Back in grade school, I was bullied, and a crybaby. During 2nd grade, I was bullied by a seatmate. I don’t remember the details but I remember having told my parents about it and crying in front of my strict teacher that I didn’t wanna sit beside him. There was also an instance that another classmate softly punched my back and gave me this threatening stare. I always cried and felt so weak and helpless.

There was also this small girl who was acting like the whole class leader since 1st grade (by the way I actually had the same set of classmates for 6 years, unless some of us got transferred in or out). By 3rd grade, she started terrorizing the whole class. Well if you make it straightforward, she was actually a social climber. She would manipulate, blackmail, even to the point of cheating just to keep her grades on top without any regard on her classmates' feelings.

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Like any typical bullies, of course she’d got her own lapdogs. She would take the lead and even command who should be friended or out casted. She acted like the perfect, smart, rich kid when in fact she was a wolf who acted like a lamb in front of our teachers. There was one time that I didn’t mean knocking off her bottle of coke, and just because of that she told the whole class to outcast me. Even my so-called friends ignored me, or else they’d get ignored too. She gave me a condition that if I paid her for how much it costed, I’d be friended again. That was the first time I stole money from my mom’s purse.

My other classmates had it worse. She did so many nasty things that a page won’t suffice to that so I won’t go to all the details.

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There was a time that I really wanted to fit in, like get on her good side. There was also a naughty boy from a lower grade than I was, he was one of the kids I went home with by a tricycle, and he always got on my nerves. So I made up a lie about him, making fun of that girl’s family name. I know, it sounded so petty. But she went straight for him, grabbed his hair, shouted expletives, accusing him wrongly. He denied while crying as he was also confused of what was happening.

If my memory is right, I think he took a day off from class after that incident. For a second, I felt a spark of satisfaction seeing him get bullied, but that turned into guilt instantly. Looking back, I still feel as bad as I did at that time. Yes, I did get on her good side, but I felt like I was no different from her and the other kids that bullied me. I never told anyone about this until yesterday. My friend told me I was just a kid back then so I could be forgiven. But then I told her that even if I was, it was no excuse for me to get someone bullied just because I was bullied, the same as it wasn’t excusable for others.

I remember her little world of manipulations crash when other teachers found out about her treachery. Even if her cult ended, I knew that some of us were still afraid of her.

4th grade, I still remember vividly: Our teacher was out. She acted like president again since we were starting to misbehave. I had this cologne bottle filled with pure alcohol. I just tried it on my neck and arms as if it was cologne. She was yelling at my classmates until her eyes laid on me and told me these exact words:"Ikaw Denise gaunsa man ka diha? Sige ka man lang ug biga biga diha!" These words may not hurt anymore but they did hurt me as a kid. I felt so cowardly that all I could do was clench my fist.

I encountered those bullies a few times when I was in high school and college, when all I wanted was to avoid them at all costs and erase them from my memories. There was once that I had the same ride with that girl to school and she was acting all friendly with me. It was awkward for me because since when did we become so friendly with each other? I didn’t even like her the least. Did she forget all the nasty things she did? I couldn’t even forget the one I caused hell just because of the lie I made up. I couldn’t forget how dumb and weak she and the other bullies me feel, of how I couldn’t stand up for myself and how I looked down on myself. Whenever I recall how I felt as a victim I also think how that boy must’ve also felt because of me.

Not to invalidate how I felt and experienced, I know some people had it worse. I know people who have the biggest smiles yet the biggest scars they still carry in the present with the aftermaths of bullying. One is my closest friend today, T.A., she was bullied in high school, so much that she can’t even see how brilliant she is. Even now, she still struggles to believe in herself that it angers me thinking of those immature brats who made her feel that way.

People may differ on experience and level of bullying, but the aftermaths are similar that it could take time for a person to truly heal from it psychologically.

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Right now, bullying has become a norm, especially that everything and everyone is mostly online, that even the anti-cyber bullying law has become quite pointless. Now that everything is online, it has increased its number that people even confuse bullying as just expressing a mere opinion. And there’s a thin line between expressing an opinion and bullying.

Whatever age, bullying is not an excuse. Children must be taught at an early age to never ostracize someone just because they think they can get away with it or are going through a phase as a kid. Young adults/adults must also know better; no education can give you class if you really are rotten inside. What happened to “think before you click?” Most people say the nastiest things online behind a dummy account to the point of degrading someone. Online or not, bullying can either make the victim the next bully, or even push the victim into self-infliction, worse, suicide. Bullies are victims too. This is why it’s an ugly cycle that must be stopped. And globally, it happens in different ways we might not know of.

How to stop bullying? Start with yourself. The rest will follow. To those who got bullied, remember that you are more than you know and what others think. Always remember that there is help. To those who stood up for themselves, you are so brave, keep going. To all hypocrites, I hope you walk the talk.

To the boy I caused hell in 2nd grade, I may not remember much about you, but I’m deeply sorry for what I did. It was a mistake that I learned from and I hope you’ve forgiven me and you are living your life well today.


Writer,

Thin Girl