1st Blog Anniversary!

Today marks my blog’s 1st anniversary! yaaaaaay!!! *confetti* lol

Creating this platform was no easy feat. I had all my ups and downs, episodes of anxieties and frustrations, slumps and all. But this journey really made me learn a whole lot of things not only with writing, but also with myself.

So just a little back story before I created my blog, when I lost my job, I felt a little lost to be honest. Even more when I lost someone to cancer a few weeks after that. I would’ve probably lost it hadn’t my friend supported me all the way, while I was also busy trying to put on a face and keeping my self under radar. While I was trying to cope with all the aftermaths, someone told me to do something creative that could affect me positively and keep myself busy. I told him I’ve been writing poems (sad ones mostly) but instead, he told me it wasn’t gonna help. I guess he was wrong after all. Poetry actually did me real good, that it became my way of coping and catharsis. It also helped me write even more beautiful ones, and rediscover my love for writing.

1st poem written (July, 2019)

Something painful paved its way for something beautiful…

Early 2020, I’ve been preparing myself for something bigger (like grad school), so I was taking little steps in owning the year. I’ve always wanted to write, especially when it tires me out sometimes talking to myself in my head lol. But I didn’t know where to start. I felt like I gotta write more, where I wouldn’t just write poems, but where I could write my voice and people could somehow resonate with. So this is where I came across a college batch mate who also has her own blog (hi Jedde! Thank you for patiently answering my questions last year ❤) and asked for some tips in starting one.

It wasn’t easy starting from scratch. I felt frustrated at times that I was on the verge of crying and pulling my hair out. I even spent all-nighters just to create it and felt like giving it all up. But I also kept reminding myself why the hell I was doing it. So I told myself, it’s now or never! And voila! I was finally able to create it! But it was only just the beginning.

 

When COVID-19 happened, all plans were ruined but I was confident on surviving staying indoors (I always preferred staying indoors even before the pandemic hoho), I was all fired up, ideas soaring that my hands couldn’t keep up. I had my books with me, the internet, household chores to finish and many more. I was always trying to be productive, convincing myself that “I got this,” when at the same time, I was also pressured, such as being jobless.

I was always looking for something to be productive with (my blog, books and chores) that I ended up being tired and irritated with everything being so repetitive. I experienced almost falling apart with a friend, my unresolved personal issues clawing back at me, slumps that were so hard to get over with, having anxieties that I almost had a panic attack. It was all crazy.

pinterest.com

There were also times during my slumps, that my thoughts and anxiety would overwhelm me, so I’d turn to my blog and have these urges of taking it all down. I started comparing myself to others, telling myself that my contents were trash, or even asking myself: what would you get from this anyway? It’s not like you’re gonna earn from this. I’d always get discouraged, especially when there’s only a number of people who read my posts. A stranger online once told me that I was never gonna get famous and that I wrote too emotionally. Ironically, even when I was on a slump, I didn’t feel offended. I just thought it was a waste of time to argue with someone who just wanted to start a pointless argument. I was kind of proud of myself to turn the other cheek from people like him. But ironic that I couldn’t even turn away from my own thoughts eating me, mindlessly pressuring myself to do this and that.

Someone told me something to ponder on during those days saying, “why would you pressure yourself? It’s not like you have deadlines, right? That’s your hobby, so what's the deal?” I wasn’t able to take it all in yet, because it got harder for me to get over my slump. I was only able to realize what she meant when my bookworm friend, Aaron, collaborated with me on a book review for The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. That collaboration made me realize a bunch of things, taking me back to my roots of why I write, why I take pride on my writing even when I’m not the best at it, and how it sparked my love for writing once again. I remember Jedde telling me to write for myself, and not for others. I guess I forgot how to enjoy what I loved doing because I was on the verge of pleasing everybody and to be kinder to myself especially when things get hard.

 
Looking back, I felt like 2020 wasn’t so productive at all, especially dealing with my inner struggles. However, I have learned so much in the past year. I’ve learned to be more patient with myself, to not push myself too hard, and to just enjoy what I do. Writing makes me feel like I am myself, as if I have this little world of my own. It’s been a year but I’m still learning, especially now that I’m also honing my skills for commissioned paper writing (dm me for writing your papers and payment please lol). I’ve been having all-nighters these days, earning when it’s not that much, but I’m not even complaining! In fact, I’ve been having fun instead of getting frustrated and being afraid of the challenge (especially research writing-my number one weakness aside from Math), telling myself that this is for practice and learning while keeping my mental health in check at the same time.

 
I still have my own doubts, but with my blog reaching a year and seeing how I've improved my writing with the support of my friends, I know I’ll keep going. So if you have something that you love doing that makes you feel alive, just keep going!

P.S. I made "prototypes" before I made my blog look like the way it is now, and I just feel like showing it here❤. 

  

Writer,

Thin Girl