You Can’t Have It All

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Last March, I celebrated my blog’s anniversary and also had my little business on commissioned papers. When I was just starting, I got a few requests for different papers. Then there came a day that we’ve lost our internet connection and I needed to communicate with a friend regarding a paper. So I used free facebook on my browser when a former student sent me a message regarding someone who wanted his/her assignment to be submitted for the next week.

I was like, “sure what is it,” and he sent me photos which I couldn’t view because I was on free data at the time. Then he told me, “I think you can do this ma’am *I would’ve preferred if he called me miss though lol*, it’s all about alleles and genes.” Since I couldn’t view the photos, I thought it was just some basic biology thing you know since we had lessons about it in high school and college, I thought maybe I could just google it. When he told me the amount the client *I’ll just refer to his/her this way since it’s still business* would pay and that it was fine if the answers weren't perfect, I got kinda hyped up and took the challenge right away without knowing the content of those photos.

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So the next day, the internet connection was still gone for half a day and came back later in the afternoon. I was finally able to view the photos’ content and was flabbergasted to see, if I remember it well, 9 pages of a lab manual about alleles and genes. To be honest it was really confusing just by looking at it. I asked my former student which parts to answer and he told me which ones. I was kinda hesitant but then I convinced myself that nah I could probably do it and learn about alleles and genes during the process.

I searched on google but it wasn’t easy to understand and I didn’t know what to search for specifically, aside from what alleles were. I was already starting to struggle and doubt myself so I asked for help from a friend. And, there the chain of asking for help from friends to mutual friends began. We actually looked for prospects the whole night, offering half the amount of the client’s payment. I also had reserved my last resorts until I came to a decision that if none of them would be able to help, then that meant I would have to back out.

I was holding on to a sliver of hope that someone might willingly help but to make the long story short, most of them either backed out, found the manual too difficult for them or weren’t confident to answer them, or were just too busy. So with a humble heart *tsar* I backed out the next day, messaging my former student that I couldn’t do it. It was too difficult for me and that even the people I asked for help couldn’t do it. He asked if there were answers even if just a few ones and I answered honestly that there were none at all. I apologized and realized something, you can’t have it all. I can’t have it all.

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The day before I backed out, I acted as if my pride and dignity were actually on the line lol. I convinced myself that I could do it if I was just determined and as I search it I’d be able to learn it at the same time. Maybe I also got a bit greedy. But then I realized, that no matter how determined I was and how much I pushed my limits, it can never be pushed enough. 

Have you noticed some quotes where they say something about never limiting yourself or going beyond your limits? It’s not always true. There are things that you can go beyond the limits but there are some that you just can’t no matter how much you try. That we all have our weaknesses and sometimes they can’t become our strengths because that’s just what it is. And that is okay, because that’s what makes us human. We just have to be accepting of ourselves, that we’re not really perfect and there are things that we can’t always do.

I was so used to pushing myself too hard in the past that even when I was at my limit, I’d still try to push through. I’d pressure myself too much that I could do this and that and would never accept defeat. I had this superhero complex which wasn’t healthy. And now that I’m an adult, I’ve learned to accept defeat rather than convincing myself I could do everything when I can’t, which I wish I could tell my younger self.

So if you’re reading this, please be kinder to yourself. There’s nothing wrong in going beyond your limits, but keep in mind that you need not to push yourself too hard. You’re just human, it’s okay to make mistakes, to accept defeat, and pause to breathe. You just have to learn and keep going.


P.S. I’m still open for commissioned papers though lol.


Writer,

Thin Girl