5th

Almost 5 years ago, I built this blog and started writing poetry again when I was going through something, especially when I lost my job… and a friend. It was a mix of frustration, grief, depression, regret, being lost, etc.

I should be finishing my work at this moment, but I guess on this day, he still deserves to be remembered, not because he passed on, but because he had lived. If he were here, he would’ve been someone who achieved his dreams. He would’ve aced college like he did in high school, just like his name, Ace.

This boy was such a mischievous one that my kamalditahan never worked on him. But he was more than that. He was someone who had dreams not only for himself but also for his family. Everybody knew him for who he was, and he showed me a part of himself I never knew he had. He was a boy beyond his years, someone who wanted so much in life. He became a friend I never would’ve expected. Someone who made me lean on when I always had this toxic trait of self-support.

He was always there when I only found him to be a nuisance. But whenever he asked for help, I got mad and still ended up helping him. And he always asked for it nevertheless. He also acted more like a man compared to men who I thought were adults. I guess his circumstances made him like that. He told me he wanted to get married someday and was very surprised when I myself didn’t want to.

He would always bug me about going somewhere, me his map when ironically, I could hardly navigate Northern and Southern Cebu. I was happy he got his own motorcycle. I always thought, this boy is going places, not only beaches and mountains, but anyone he wanted to be.

But how could that be when his life was cut short.

Ace, the first few years after your death, I could hardly stop crying. I could hardly talk about you without a lump in my throat. I was always thinking about the could-have-beens. I was a wreck inside. I deeply regret all the bad things I said and for not visiting you before your last breath, thinking you would still survive. I was rooting for you. Only to get the most heart-breaking message that you were gone. It hurt a lot. You didn’t deserve that. But I guess God had other plans.

I understood His plans for you, but I asked Him to give me some time. I will always regret not being the good friend you deserved, but for someone who claimed to be friendless, there were a bunch of them in your wake who cared so much about you. You lied. Just like how you lied there was just a clog in your stomach when it was already life-threatening. I couldn’t show how worried I felt, so I told you the wrong things that I never meant. I never forgave myself by the time I knew everything. 

I really hoped you'd live. I was so wrong. I regretted so many things and still knew they wouldn't bring you back. I shouldn't have held back. I should've been a friend to you even for the last time. I should've been there and held your hand, telling you everything would be alright even if it felt like a lie. For all the shoulds I had missed, I had no choice but to still move forward. It was so hard to pretend and laugh everything off when inside the pain was searing. 

I had to endure all that grief while trying to navigate the frustrations of being a 24-year-old. I never thought I would be okay. Fast-forward today, I may not have a lump in my throat anymore, but I got through that head first. I still try to remember you in every way possible even if our time together was short-lived. I lost and gained in certain aspects of my life. But if you were here, you would’ve been happy for me, proud even. But of course, your teasing would have to come first. I would’ve been proud of you too, no doubt, with teasing and all that.

I’m still navigating the frustration of being a 29-year-old, but have found to make it more bearable. You were my miracle. If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve still been that depressed 24-year-old who only thought about dying at the age of 25. I still do think about it. But now, I’ve found life to be more interesting even though it can still be depressing in reality lol. You loved life so much, that you were not given much time to enjoy it. You made me realize to spend more time with my family and friends, to make every moment count, to have people worthy of me, and vice versa. You made me try. And I’ll always thank you for that. Thank you for being my friend Ace, when I was at my lowest, you made me feel like I wasn’t alone. That regardless of age, you can be of support to someone who needs it, even when they’re not aware of it. You were always ready to take me away if I just said so. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you. I know you were annoyed with me at times, but I hoped you’d understand all the choices I’ve made. So please forgive me.

If you were here, "Huwag Muna Tayong Umuwi" would’ve been your song. You’ve always wanted to go somewhere far away. I hope in heaven, you’re having the best travel up there. I miss exchanging banters with you Ace. Happy 5^th year in heaven.

 

Always,

Daot