Twenty Something

When a year adds up to someone’s age they always say something like being bolder and wiser. On this day, I’m 26. Bolder? I can’t even swim nor bike. Wiser? More like trying not be scammed.

Birthdays are celebrations of one’s life. But every waking day is a birthday. Not all of us were given the chance to wake up the next day. Some were not even given the chance to live until 26. Even when I think of the world’s end sometimes, I still thank the heavens for giving me every single day to live.

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When I was 20, I thought, I’d never reach 25 years old. But here I am, 26, alive and kicking. You might say I’m such a pessimist. I still am though. Going through depression on my own pretty much made me want to stop living. I felt like I was an empty vessel trying to sleep at night to end the day, and waking up only to wait for the day to pass and night to come and sleep everything off. It’s not because I came from a broken family. Not because I was sick. Not because I was brokenhearted. Brokenhearted. Maybe I was brokenhearted. A friend whom I cherished the most broke me into pieces.

And when I thought things could get better as I finally got myself a job, it got worse. I always helped everyone around me and lost more pieces of myself. I almost lost it. It was already hard enough to keep my sanity intact while trying to help somebody else to keep theirs. My love for helping started ceasing. I started losing my purpose. I shut people out. Just as I was starting to pick the pieces up, I got pushed around once again. People abused my helping. I started blaming myself all over again.

When I started taking care of myself weeks after I lost my job, another rock bottom hit me. I lost a friend to cancer (which I’ve mentioned before). I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t even there for him and found out we were waiting on each other. I got so guilty for not visiting him just because I did him wrong too many times. I couldn’t even thank him enough for keeping me sane when I almost lost it. I could only say my goodbyes when he was gone. I was so full of regret that I was afraid of sinking into a black hole again.

3 years’ worth of burn out and a sudden grief combined took a toll on my body.

In the past few years, I almost gave up living. But when my years never ceased, I gave in to making my body work more than it can take. I worked myself to death, my body exhausted, my soul empty. The fire I thought I had just faded out.

BBW (days before I turned 25)

When I turned 25, I thought, I didn’t have anything achieved. I was a jobless, grieving 25-year old. But as time went on, I realized I was more than that.

During the 25^th year of my existence, I’ve learned so much. I learned that if things didn’t go my way, I can just go with the flow. I’ve learned to take my time. I’ve learned to appreciate little things a whole lot more. I’ve learned to heal through time, and forgive myself more.

This pandemic has taught me to forgive others and heal in my own pace. To appreciate my family even more. That there are still dreams I wanna do than just a career advancement. That I can’t make myself available to everyone. That when I’m tired and experience slumps, I can just rest and do it again. That I can always get back on my feet and never give up. That I can just easily turn away from pointless arguments without really taking it to heart. And despite it all, I know there’s still so much to learn in the upcoming years when it all gets better.

I’m 26, jobless, love coffee and books, 40 kilograms, ain’t bolder nor wiser, can’t even call myself a hundred percent mature person, but I sure know I have grown into someone better than before. Someone I never knew who is still capable of smiling as if tears were never shed in the past. Someone who is capable of being frustrated yet acknowledges the fact that it is okay not to be okay. Someone who is working on being kinder to myself. Someone who is ME.

It's been a bumpy ride, it still is. And all I have to do is to keep going.  

To my friends who were there for me, thank you so much. And to A, thank you for being the blessing I didn’t deserve and for making me love life once more.

Cheers to another twenty something!

 

Writer,

Thin Girl