Return the Favor

How come some people only remember you when they needed you, but they can’t even give a response when its necessary?

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The story goes like this, when I was still working, there was this boy whom I helped. He was a depressed, suicidal boy. I won’t give you details on that of course. I did everything I can to help him, even jeopardizing my own mental health. Some would even think I was giving him special treatment just because I gave him too much attention. But that was not it. I gave him attention because I wanted to help, but at the same time I felt like I was walking on eggshells whenever he was around. I can’t even be myself with him because every word I said mattered to him. The jokes I played on the others, he took it way too seriously.

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It came to a point where his suicidal tendencies worsened. I did what I could to help him. I even referred him to a guidance counselor but he wouldn’t budge. He insisted he would just keep on talking to me because he felt he could trust me more than anyone else. That scared the hell out of me to be honest. Because that meant he’ll latch on to me and I knew I was the wrong person to help him, especially when I was not even stable myself. I even crossed the boundary and set the personal attachment to the situation itself without knowing, which in fact, I should’ve known myself, wasn’t allowed. I remember crying nonstop and couldn’t sleep well because of his situation that it made me almost blame myself of whatever was gonna happen to him.  I knew it was a mistake, unethical, unprofessional, call it whatever you want, but all I thought was to help him get through it. 

Because I thought of saving him when I couldn’t even save myself.

There were times where I’d include him to my list whenever I travelled and bought souvenirs. I also thought of him whenever I bought presents to my friends. And then I got to the point of lending him 2 of my most precious books. Those weren’t just books. They were my treasure. They were a part of me. Any bookworm could relate to me, I know.

I lent those books last year, before graduation. There were days we would chat away and I’d ask him about them. He said he was still reading and I was okay with it.   Months passed, he wouldn’t still return them because again, he was still reading. Later that year, I gave him a discreet ultimatum to give them back, that he should finish them before 2019 came to an end. I said it jokingly but I was serious. I was even wondering if he even had plans of returning them. I mean who the heck doesn’t finish a book in one year? That is preposterous. 2020 came and I kept on leaving him messages, from giving the lamest excuse, threatening I’d go to his house and get them, to asking some people to chat him about them ‘coz he was plainly ignoring me. And voila, they got a reply from him, I didn’t. From seen, to never. One even gave me a screenshot and boy was he rude af. I’ve always known he got an attitude, but maybe I was just too blind helping him. Because I always wanted to see the good in him. There were days that he deactivated his account. I thought, maybe he’s shutting people out but I really need my books back.

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And then I discovered, he blocked me. HE FUCKING BLOCKED ME. He had the audacity to block me, before he deactivated. I felt so angry, betrayed and insulted. Some of you might think, those are just books man. THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT THE BOOKS PEOPLE. This is how he is treating me. I felt like shit. He ignored me. I mean who wouldn’t feel insulted when you kept on asking and yet you get outright ignored, but then others get a reply? Like no shit. It even felt like I had to beg on my knees just so I can get my books back.

I’ve heard stories about him but I really tried my best to set them aside and still see the good in him. I didn’t wanna be a cause of anything. I just wanted my books back is that hard to give? I swear I’m not trying to make him look bad here. One thing’s for sure, I knew he was a sweet boy. Or was he really? Coz I realized, I don’t know him at all. I tried, but I don’t.

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The point of this post, is that no matter what you’re going through, it does not excuse you to treat other people badly. I had owned my mistakes, treating others badly even without knowing, and I was sorry for it. I tried my best to be better. But this doesn’t mean I have to be treated like shit. I’m so done with people treating me like shit, and I know I don’t deserve it. I am nobody’s doormat.

Boy, if ever you’re reading this, it’s not like I’m reproaching or something, but the least you could do was understand where I was coming from. To respect me as a person. You made me look like a fool. I treated you the best way I can, but what do I get? Your rude assed attitude. You insulted me. Fine. The books are yours. I’d save up money and buy my own copies again. I don’t need them tainted by someone ungrateful. Maybe we’d meet again. But I hope we don’t. But if we do, I’d just hope the least I could hear from you is a heartfelt sorry. But if you turn the other cheek, whatever. I don’t need you in my life anyway. You can swim in your own problems for all I care. I’m so done treating people kindly who can’t be the least thankful.  

P.S. There’s nothing wrong in helping, it’s just pointless if the person you helped doesn’t even help himself/herself.

Writer,

Thin Girl